Self Forgiveness is also Forgiveness, Right?

You have to give this life your best shot, right? (Ref. 1 Corinthians 9:27)

So a few years ago I saw a post on social media where @ugonnwaotti posted a reel that I think about often. It said ” My friend said, ‘Paul’s ability to function in his calling was largely based on his ability to forgive himself.’ I sat with this. A short story…”.

I have been thinking so much about social media and blogging over the last few years, but I was struggling internally with my faith and presentation.

I struggled with a fear of saying the wrong thing?

What if I represent my Father badly?

I think I care so much I found myself paralyzed with doubts.

In real life, I have been told I am an interesting and dynamic personality. Yet, there are also so many misunderstandings that have occurred in my personal life that I was scared about how to bring the best of myself online without the worst. I want so deeply to not have my audience misunderstand me.

It made me feel paralyzed to also realize that I saw so many people doing what I felt called to. This week I was reminded by The Most High of the parable of the laborers, and how it talks about (paraphrasing) the harvest is many and the laborers are few. So I really shouldn’t be worried about doing something that has already been done. It just needs to be done. I have been trying to figure out all the details and worrying along the way I forgot how much I genuinely enjoy writing. Writing feels like fresh air

For a little bit of background, I can be a little scatter brained. I also have a little bit of “middle child syndrome” so my diaries and journals over the years have helped me find and refine my voice. Unfortunately, I didn’t guard my heart well in my most recent years. I have written about it and alluded to it. Having my spirit broken has been a source of internal shame for me.

I feel like people work hard for a long time to build the confidence and sense of self that I prayed and believe for. Only to lose it by opening up to family and friends about how special my relationship with The Most High was to me. At some point, I picked up the Bible looking for help and the scripture spoke back to me in an overwhelming way. I’d never felt so loved. There were parts I related to and parts I empathized with.

What changed my life was reading and believing that there was hope for me and love for me. Even though I grew up in a family whose lifestyle preached to me that I was unlovable and irredeemable. When I read online that someone said, “He loves you enough to hate the things that hurt you without hating you.” I felt kept, parented, and protected.

I could go on and on about His mercy to a wretched soul….

His love felt personal. My continuous prayer is to want what Abba wants for me. I think about scripture like how a child remembers the blessings and warnings of their parent and it brings me so much warmth in my life.

To get back to my biggest shame. I let family and friends make snide remarks and take more than what I had to give.

I told myself we all have things to work on and that my cup is so full I want to be there for other people. I should’ve read Proverbs, the first psalms, and so many other scriptures that would’ve reminded me that I do not have to stay around if someone is being verbally or emotionally abusive toward me, just to avoid seeming harsh.

This is more of a stream of consciousness. The other day I was reading another blog by a writer I really respect. I realized her blog touches me so deeply because her writing voice reminded me so much of my own. It was like she was writing the words I sometimes wish I had the courage to put out into the world. I want to do that for someone else too.

So here’s to that! My prayer is to work through any fears or limiting fears. For now, I’ll write with Yahuah in mind. I pray that all of you can forgive yourselves and others to become who the He is leading you to be.

Don’t forget to live boldly and love deeply.